Taking my deserved space

When I became on OceanWomxn fellow, I felt reenergised and refocussed. This was because the programme gave me a support structure that reminded me the work I am doing is important and that I, as a person, matter. Feeling of the latter should never be sacrificed for the feeling of the former.

Now I encourage other young womxn in science to work hard to build similar spaces with family, friends, professionals, therapists, colleagues or support groups that provide the energy to go further and push harder, never letting you doubt yourself.

I can say this because for most of my life, for multiple reasons, I have been conditioned to work hard and excel in whatever I do. This is a characteristic I’m proud of and grateful to have. It is a characteristic I now nurture for myself.

But, in all my ‘excelling’, I rarely felt appreciated for my whole self – as Thando. Sometimes, I’d get so good at getting the job done, I wouldn’t realise the sacrifices of the self I’d make along the way: doing my hair the ‘right’ way, not speaking my first language in certain spaces, not disagreeing with authority, politely overlooking demeaning comments, letting myself be spoken over or silenced by others, laughing at jokes that made me feel uncomfortable but knowing my laughing made others feel comfortable.

For black womxn, these are hurdles that are faced daily.

Honour boundaries

“Committing to boundaries that honour my being – that has been the truest gift I have given myself.”

I eventually found myself in two very difficult spaces. I felt at once incredibly small and undeserving – the worst manifestation of my imposter syndrome saying that I didn’t really deserve a seat at the table. And at the same time, I felt like the token black person in certain spaces.

Don’t get me wrong, I was still showing up and getting things done, but everything felt heavier and painful.

The difficulty is that I started to fear what others might say if I chose to protect my boundaries. Specifically, for black womxn, it’s difficult to see yourself as valuable and deserving as a whole human being when society has told you for so long that you are at the bottom of the pecking order.

But since committing to a journey toward setting boundaries that honour my being, I can say that it has been the truest gift I have given myself.

For the past couple of years, I have put a lot of my energy into this journey and I have been able to dive deeper into getting to know myself in the context of my family, peers and my career. In all these spaces, I am learning that if you have the capacity to flag issues, you should speak up.

But I’ve also learned that it’s okay to walk away if your boundaries are not being honoured. No one is allowed to shame you for that.

It has been wonderful to step into spaces, like Ocean Womxn, where my boundaries are being honoured and I’m appreciated – for my work and for just being me. 

I embarked on this journey knowing that support structures are an incredibly valuable tool in reminding yourself that you belong and that you matter. These support systems should be spaces where you feel safe to voice your fears as well as your goals.

Within this journey, I am learning that I am allowed to take my deserved space, and that my input is valuable and provides opportunity for growth. So, join me and take a seat.