Overcoming my self-limiting beliefs
I first heard of the term ‘immoderate worker’ from the book Character and Neurosis. In this psychological volume on the Enneagram, a model of the human psyche, Claudio Naranjo describes the immoderate worker as:
“One who perseveres in order to overcome, or over-compensate for, his fundamental slowness and inertia. Indeed, this diligence can sometimes reach the point of ‘exaggerated’ or ‘insane industry’ (Kent), where he works day and night without let-up.”
If ever I felt a piece of text described me perfectly, this was it.
My immoderate work habits include periods of procrastination and slow progress punctuated by moments working round the clock in a state of high stress, trying to be a conscientious student.
This oscillation is unsustainable. And because of the low output of my bursts of productivity, I often end up in despair.
But ultimately, chalking these periods of low productivity up to simple laziness may obscure a very important truth: behind my poor work habits lay a great sense of fear and anxiety about the future.
Where will my career take me in the next five years? What will the quality of my work be like in another month or two? How can I possibly get anything done this week, or in the next hour?
Deep down I don’t trust myself to meet internal and external expectations. By procrastinating, I am trying to avoid fulfilling these self-limiting beliefs. My mental barrier manifests in slowness and the resulting madness described by Naranjo’s immoderate worker.
Supporting womxn
“I am surrounded by womxn who’s encouragement comes from a place of going through similar experiences. I am not alone in the difficult journey of bettering myself.”
In a bid to overcome my fear, I tried to recite daily affirmations. Doing this before work sessions worked, but only for a while. Looking more deeply, I found that some of my fears are indeed legitimate and willing them away with platitudes doesn’t necessarily work.
The world of postgraduate studies is quite intimidating when one is straddling the conscious incompetence and conscious competence stages of learning. One is simultaneously struck by the abundance of knowledge that exists, the absence of it in oneself and the great effort it takes to get results.
As mentioned by Antonia Dodge in one of my favourite podcasts, Personality Hacker, “skill development is incredibly demoralizing … it takes so much test-iterate and so much feedback from the outside world that tells you that you massively suck for a while”. In my case, the most critical feedback comes from within me.
While I work to claim inner support, I find myself receiving valuable external support. As an Ocean Womxn, and part of the 2020 cohort, I am surrounded by womxn who’s words of encouragement come from a place of possibly going through similar experiences. That has been so valuable because I know I am not alone in the difficult journey of bettering myself.
I am now in the process of changing my perception. Instead of seeing my deficiencies in knowledge and skill as a burden, I now see an opportunity for development. Already, I feel as though I have freed up a lot of mental energy to do the things that matter.
I have found the portrait of the strategist in Jean Shinoda Bolen’s Goddesses in Everywoman most inspirational. She “grasps what must be done and figures out how to achieve what she wants”, “monitor[s] events, note[s] effects, and change[s] a course of action as soon as it appears unproductive” and “works hard toward her end, accepts reality as it is, and adapts”.
The trick to working through this phase of life is to sift through what is and isn’t true about oneself. To accept feelings of uneasiness that come with knowledge and skill building and continue to work towards mastery.